There can hardly be any greater joy when you find out that you are pregnant, especially if you’ve been trying for some time. All of us who become mothers understand that wonderful feeling of anticipation and excitement that accompanies a pregnancy, whether it’s the first or the fourth. Unfortunately, there are times when the pregnancy ends in a miscarriage, and all the hopes you and your partner were cherishing were ruined. In many ways, having a miscarriage is the same as experiencing a stillbirth – you already loved the child, regardless of how long you were carrying him or her, and it seems cruel for the pregnancy to end in this way.

I had a miscarriage myself, and the only thing that made it easier to bear was that I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time. I was evidently about 3 months into the pregnancy, but because I have endometriosis I never missed a menstrual period. Cramping and unexpected bleeding had my husband taking me to the emergency room in the middle of the night, where the problem was misdiagnosed. To make a long story short, because some tissue evidently remained inside, I developed a very bad pelvic infection. When I found out that I had been pregnant, I did feel a very profound sense of loss and grief, so I can imagine how sad a woman who did know she was pregnant must feel.

After a miscarriage, a woman needs as much support and comfort as possible, and the man in the relationship can usually be depended upon to provide this. Unfortunately, well-meaning friends and relatives often make remarks that are unkind and insensitive. Hearing such things as, “At least you know you can get pregnant”, “You can always have more”, or “Maybe there was something wrong with it anyway” will only make you feel hurt and angry. Platitudes will never replace the child you lost, but even the anger you feel will be part of the healing process.

Speaking from experience, you never really forget the miscarriage, but over the passage of time, you do accept it. It was not your fault that this happened and you were not being punished by God for some error. Our bodies are very complex and so many things can go wrong during nearly any part of a pregnancy that it is just better to accept that it has happened. Time really does heal wounds, and you will eventually come to the point where you will look on the miscarriage as being a special part of your life that will always have meaning for you.

Another thing to keep in mind after you have suffered a miscarriage is that your hormone levels will take some time to normalize again. While you are going through the stages of grief, such as anger and depression, write your feelings down. This is an excellent way of getting things out of your system. You can keep a journal of your progress, and may find it a source of strength as you read over older entries. Separating yourself physically from where the miscarriage occurred is also a good idea, so take a vacation if possible. Just seeing new scenes can help to lift your spirits and help you get on with your life.

If you find it impossible to get over your grief at the miscarriage, don’t hesitate to join a miscarriage support group or seek counseling.